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Joke Of The Week

Jokes are unashamedly borrowed from many sources - that makes it research, not plagiarism. I made one up once and it got told by lots of people - can I claim copyright? - NO, nor would I want to...
...Oh, and the jokes are not guaranteed to make you laugh, only you can do that, but they are guaranteed to feature some of what people refer to as 'politically incorrect' language, you have been warned.

I make no apologies for the jokes at the expense of good taste, nor any organised religion either; any church that can react to a comedian by publicly deriding him as a dangerous terrorist, whilst previously blessing the funerals of Pinochet and Franco, and perpetuating the abuse of tens of thousands of children deserves more ridicule than it gets.

This week's entry

"The bond's Name. James Name"
Pleased to... what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

from @punningman Sean Leahy

Jokes of previous weeks:

"Bad huh, Doctor, so tell me, how long have I got?"
"10 months! - "
"9, 8, 7, 6, 5,"

from @NickMotown
If you call your show Heir Hunters, you should have at least one episode where Prince Charles is chased in a forest by men with crossbows.

from James Martin (@Pundamentalism on twitter) The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Anders Breivik has been treated in the most civilised manner by the Norwegian justice system. Some would say too luxurious, his imprisonment is to be made much like a Hotel room in old Marakech - with live calls to prayer broadcast directly into his cell five times a day.

from Richard on twitter...
Before I got through to Seaworld, I had to say "Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!"
They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.

A man is standing on top of the safety wall at the edge of a New York Skyscraper leaning towards certain death. The doorman of the building bravely goes up to try and talk him down.
"Hey... guy...errm, you believe in God don't you?"
The man leans back away from the edge, "yes, yes I do"
"Well so do I!, let's talk this thing..."
The man takes one mini-step away from the edge
The Doorman asks, "So which religion, which church are you?"
"I'm a Christian", he says, "Baptist",
"That's amazing, so am I!" said the doorman, "Which type of Baptist are you?"
"Northern Baptist", said the man taking a good step back from the roof edge.
"AMAZING!, me too", said the doorman, "So, well, are you with the branch that sided with Pastor Corey?"
"YES! said the man.
"Die Dog!" said the doorman pushing him off the roof.

A man walks into a bookshop and says "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology."

Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door.
She says, "Who is it?"
A male voice responds, "The blind man."
After a few moments of deliberation the nun says, "Come in."
The man enters and says, "Nice tits, Mrs Nun. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"

A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'

Someone told me flowers had sex organs....POPPYCOCK!

An accountant/banker, on a drive to his folks for thanksgiving, got lost on a rural Wyoming road. He sees a local and stops.
"Does this road go to Laramie?"
"I dunno"
"Is there a place near here with phone reception so I can make a call?"
"I dunno"
"well how about a nearby drugstore or town - can you tell me how far away one might be?"
"You don't know much do you?"
"Nope - but I aint lost".

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand. (Emo Phillips)

special Edinburgh best gag award from Tim Vine...'I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.''

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.. ...
Today, you voted."

It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the man without hesitation.

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife here may have caught a glimpse."

Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.
One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..."

The sadist and the masochist meet in a disreputable bar...
they are immediately drawn to each other and decide to go to a nearby rather expensive motel.
they undress and re-dress in clothes of their preference
the masochist says in a luxuriating slow purrr...
"Are ....you.. going to whip.. me...?
To which the sadist smiles cruelly and says,

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.
The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Bill (it's usually Bill) catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.
Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but, if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job.
The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…

Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged man standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts.
He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill’s curiosity gets the better of him and he walks over to the man and asks him what he’s doing.
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” says the man.
“Why on earth are you doing that?” asks Bill.
“Because I’m a divorce lawyer.” replies the man.

Tesco Pharmacy

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies
'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

More Michael Jackson revelations

Bubbles, Michael Jackson's pet chimpanzee, after going on hundreds of shopping trips with the (now very) pale musician and despite sharing an oxygen tent, never expected to outlive his master, is to write his autobiography with the aid of specialist "Chimp speak analyst" Charlotte Abaglione.
It has long been known that Chimps can be trained to understand a human vocabulary to a surprising degree, the difficulty has been in translating their very limited speech sounds and signs into a coherent version of English.
Ms. Abaglione says "we are excited by the prospect of discovering Bubbles' insights into his world and life with MJ",
she went on to add that the work is progressing slowly and the only words that they have marked down as 99% correct are: "Shammoaar", "Bum" "Hurts" and "My".

A Banjo enthusiasts joke:
Johnny proudly drove his new VW Beetle convertible into town and had his shiny banjo nestling in the back seat.
He had walked half way around the block from the parked car when he realised that the sunny weather had prompted him to leave the hood down... with his banjo in the back.
He ran all the way back to his car, but it was too late...
another five banjos had been dumped in the car.

Michael Jackson Inquest mutliple choice

There will be a new post-mortem today on the body of Michael Jackson at the request of his family. The doctor has been briefed to determine which was the cause of death:
A) Sunshine
B) Moonlight
C) Good Times
D) Boogie.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

OK - if you don't know what Freecycle is, I highly recommend Googling it and discovering a world of recycling that can help your junk filing cabinet become someone else's useful office equipment, and their set of cookery books yours...as it were.
But there is a side to Freecycle that I find very amusing so I thought I'd share, this is a list of some of the items posted as offered, (free of course), to those who want to email and collect...

Dursley - Builders rubble - about 14 tonnes

Bedford - Broken container, suit large garden plant.

Bath-Wotton - Used toothpaste tubes - collectors items

Gloucester - Christmas Cards, all have one side unmarked

Bussage - Lilac tree stump, dug out of my parents a week ago

Sapperton - large rock, will not fit in estate car

Leeds - 4 radiators, various sizes, collector to disconnect from flat

Stroud - Black & White TV - not working

Nottingham - Newspapers, large collection 1989-1993 plus firebrick making machine

Chobham - Unique knitted Cardigan, made from natural Poodle wool, fit 8-12 year old.

Dorchester - Set of six 2 gallon sealable containers, need rinsing

Godalming - medical text books and box of 1000 hypodermic syringes (sterile, sealed 1988)

Piddletrenthide - Sack full of mole skins, approx 80, cleaned and treated, ready for use.

Bristol - oversized underwear, good condition, large selection, bought as job lot.

Frampton Mansell - ladies size 7 shoes, 10 pairs, no heels missing.

Re-offered - rubble, Dursley

Cheltenham - Goose fat, for cooking or insulation purposes

Halsey - Framed, stretched Harley Davidson tattoo, 12" x 18" (real skin) unwanted heirloom...

how non PC dare I go..?

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

One day 3 women went to the top of a helter skelter at the fairground.
There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman.
When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said, "It's your lucky day!, when you're going down the ride shout out the one thing that you want and lo! you will land in it at the bottom".
So the black haired woman went down and shouted "money" and landed in a load of cash,
the brown haired woman went down and shouted "gorgeous men!" and landed in a pile of model men.
The blonde woman wasn't listening to the genie so she went down shouting "Weeeeeee!"

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

The head of the Cotswold hedgehogs went to see the head of the local rabbits for some help.
"Hey rabbit, wonder if you can help us", he said
"I'll be glad to try, Spikey", said the Rabbit.
"The thing is, like it is now, at night, we are losing far too many fellow hogs to those devlish machines with bright eyes that move like thunder along the smooth black walkways... I was wondering, your species seem to be very good at dodging them, you never seem to get squashed".
"Aaah" said Briar, "I will tell you how we do this, and come with me now and we will demonstrate the technique to your tribal members". Looking pleased, the hedgehog gathered his inner circle together and they walked the short disatnce with the rabbit to the A419, nearby.
"Now", said Rabbit, "this is what you do... If you see those two bright lights heading towards you as you are crossing the road, just make sure you sit down right in between the two of them - then you will be fine".
Just to prove it, the rabbit ran into the road in front of a speeding car, and to the shocked hedgehogs' delight emerged unscathed and rejoined the group.
Spikey was keen to demonstrate the new technique so as soon as the next pair of lights appeared he ran into the road and squatted down between the lights...

There was a nasty squelching noise and the hedgehogs turned to look at rabbit...who said,
"Blimey, you don't see many Reliant Robins around these days do you".

Phrases from, and for, the Golfers among us...

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be
A Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runner
A Kate Moss - a bit thin
Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball
A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole
A Maradonna - a very nasty little five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole

Note on the English language, the following sounds OK but how does it read, "Where was I putting my putter?"

A man checks into his hotel on a business trip and, feeling a bit lonely, he thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He looked in a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Eroveronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line

Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action...
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more frantic coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other in the way only two people in the first flush of lust can... But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: 'You mean I've been here already?'

(Senior Moments can have their advantages).

Christmas seasonal

Three men died on Christmas Eve, and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven"
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said
"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're Bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do these symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."

A woman shopping at Adsa takes a fancy to the young lad who is filling her shopping bags, and she thinks to herself "what a nice bum and lovely blue eyes, what I couldn't do to him".

She stands waiting, feeling very horny and, after paying, she says, "excuse me, but is there any chance of you helping me to carry my shopping to the car?",
"Certainly Madam, no problem at all".

So off they set over the car park, walking behind him makes her even randier and she blurts out, "I've got a delicious itchy fanny", he replies, "You'd better point it out then Madam, all them Japanese cars look the same to me".

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became
his stepmother.
Women are just so much smarter than men.

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?"

"No", she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher".

A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
A neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your fucking cat.”

"What on earth is that counting?" asked my friend Anthony as we passed the high security mental health unit in rural London
I could just about hear it...
"17...17 ...17...17...17..."
Tony was too curious to resist, he rushed at the fence and tried to jump and see over it
but it was much too high
so he found a small hole in the wooden panels and looked through it...
He jumped back clutching his face in agony, "Some bastard's poked me in the eye with a sharp stick!"
"18...18...18...18...18..." came the sound from inside the walls...

Are you a member of the Taliban?

(taken from the Gunatanamo interogation guide)

You might be Taliban if -

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a £3,000 machine gun and £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your arse with your bare left hand, but consider pork "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase,"I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Bryan walks into a pub and sees his friend Darryl slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Darryl what's wrong.
"Well," replies Darryl , "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Bryan with a laugh.
"Well," says Darryl , straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Bryan , "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Darryl , "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Bryan .
"So I get to her door," says Darryl , "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
( Darryl slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!". Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him;
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"

The Purina diet.

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at ASDA and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear'

I rear-ended a car this morning …

I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, "I'm NOT f***ing happy!"
So I said, "Which f***ing one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

Postman Pats last day
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full Ulster fry: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato Taty bread soda with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F***him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The Doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple are asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse".
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50,and I get £43 back from BUPA!"

A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.

"Here boy," said the farmer.

A friend said to me: "I can never do the Welsh accent properly. Every time I try it it sounds like Pakistani''.
I said: ''You'll just have to try harder, Tariq''.

Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens
ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?
PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else
ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason
HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says: "Shit happens"
HINDUISM: This shit happened before
CATHOLICISM: If shit happens you deserve it
AGNOSTICS: Facts happen
EVANGELISTS: Send me £8 million or shit will happen to you
BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit
ISLAM: If shit happens it is the will of Allah
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to us?
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS: Only good shit happens
JEHOVA'S WITTNESSES: Let us in and we will tell you why shit happens

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand'
'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'
Becky duly goes and writes 'sand' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?
'Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell "box" on the blackboard,I will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'box' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me.
Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names'
'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant unadulterated racial discrimination to me' ..............

I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant unadulterated racial discrimination" I will give you a biscuit

Little Johnny asks his dad for a telly in his room. He reluctantly agrees.
Next day Johnny comes downstairs and asks
'Dad what is love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Johnny all about sex.
Johnny sits there with mouth open in amazement.
Dad says 'so what were you watching?'
Johnny replies 'Tennis'.

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought...
that's Abboriginal.

A university student delivers a pizza to an old man's house.
"I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.
"That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I'd be lucky."
The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's £5. What are you studying?"
"Applied psychology," replies the student

Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says:
"I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: "It's time to be going home to shag that cat."

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Forest football shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Nottingham coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says:
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. eeuurgh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off
– go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago",
to which the man replies
"Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Handy hints for an easier life...

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the BLOODY thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking Any of them.

5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling, patting the seat and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

8. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

11. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

17. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

The chief executive of Microsoft games division dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates.
“Show me in then!”
St.Peter: ”No,no, it doesn't work quite like that, surely you are used to procedures?
The system here is that you spend some time in Heaven and some time in Hell before you decide where you’d like to spend eternity.”
“Ok," said the CEO, "I’ll try Hell first”
he goes down in a lift.
Doors open.
Golf course,
all his friends.
Plays a few rounds.
Wonderful dinner,
dancing all night.
Has a great time.
Goes up to heaven. Sits around on clouds playing the harp singing in the heavenly choir.
Back to St.Peter.
“So, Where would you like to spend all eternity?”
“Well, you know, I had a wonderful time in Heaven, but I have to say Hell is better, I’ll take Hell please.”
Down he goes in the lift.
Doors open...
Parched desert. Bleached bones. No golfcourse, no friends, no nothing except heat. and a little feller with tail and two horns.
“Where’s the golf course, where are my friends?” he asks angrily
“Ah-Ha," says the horned one,"...that was just the DEMO version!!!”

A topical joke that might just be better than the latest very expensive movie on the subject:

One day, in Biblical world, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the guv'... "
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing...

"Dunno", says God....


"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Oh dear, I see I've set it an hour fast."

Question: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common?
Answer: Their middle names.

A couple made a deal that they would train in psychic techniques and whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made contact, "Debbie...Debbie."
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

GREAT TRUTHS that little daughters have learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

A girl approaches the checkout of a supermarket, in her basket she has the following:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
"Because you're ugly."

A little girl goes shopping with her dad
After the shoe shop, and the cake shop, she goes into the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber's chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

A Republican member of the US Congress was walking with her 10 year old daughter on the beach one Spring day, when an enormous freak wave came and washed the girl quite out of sight. Immediately the Congresswoman, who had been a regular churchgoer most of her life, dropped to her knees on the sand, began to cry and clasped her hands together...
"Lord! - I know I have not been a very good believer, I have failed to attend church and ignored many of the issues of poor people in America today, I do most earnestly apologise for that...but if you will just give me back my little girl I promise I will faithfully follow the way Jesus taught us and never stray from the proper Christian path again, just please, please... give me my daughter back..."
after a pause during which the sky seemed to darken and lighten again, and an almighty crash of thunder, a huge wave broke on the beach and the little girl was deposited, standing upright on the shore once again...
The Congresswoman looked up to the sky and said
"She was wearing a HAT!"

It was time, during the Easter Sunday morning service at the Boston Cathedral, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."

A young couple wanted to join a church. The priest told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Priest inquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know.." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome in Homebase either..."

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"

Two cannibals are eating a slow roasted comedian and one says to the other,
"Does this taste funny to you?"

the next two require you to read them with the appropriate accent:

Michael, a Donegal man, goes for a job on a building site, the foreman says all he has to do is answer two questions correctly and they will give him the job. He smiles confidently.
"The first question is, 'what is your name?",
he answers," errr, that would be Michael ...Michael Connor,"
"OK, the next question is, 'What's the difference between a joist and a girder?'..."
"Oh, that's easy," says Michael,
"Joyce wrote Ullyses, Goethe wrote Faust".

In 1890 there were two Mexicans who had been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's a huge volley of gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh,...

run, amigo, run!!

...Ees not a Bacon Tree!"





"Ees... a.... Ham bush"

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-raising, isn't it?

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
You've become your dad the day you save a thin piece of wood specifically for paint stirring
You never know where to look when eating a banana
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party. Dressed as a goat.
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two Grams to get me to sleep at night.
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
I saw that show, 50 Things to Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, and then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

A university writing class were given an exercise -
to write as short a short story as possible using three themes - religion, sexuality and mystery

The only A* entry was as follows:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"

The Gigolo's Diary:


A woman goes to the local paper's office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 pence per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read: 'Euan Davis died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, - 'Euan Davis died, golf clubs for sale'".

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now,the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."

Two men are getting more and more relaxed in the bar on the 86th floor of the Empire State Building. They have exhausted complaints about wives and work and the world has begun to look a little rosier.
One man turns to the other and says,
"Did you know that if you jump out of this window on the south side, there's an amazing wind current that blows you gently in to floor five down below?"
"Gedoutahere!", says the other, "No way can that be true".
The other man says, "Look, I'll prove it".
He casually walks over to the window, slides aside the glass and jumps. His horrified friend rushes to the window and sees him speed down, only to disappear just before he should have smashed into the pavement.
Two minutes later the lift doors open and in walks his totally unfazed pal saying, "Told you... fifth floor, window's always open".
"That's amazing, an amazing fluke", he says, at which point he sees his pal stride to the window and throw himself out again. Two minutes later he reappears from the lift doors saying, "No Fluke, guaranteed. Now its your turn".
Excited as well as nervous, the man walks to the window, takes a few gulps of air, then jumps...
Down past the floors he flies, faster and faster, until... splaaaat, he is a crumpled mess on the pavement.
At this point the barman looks up from polishing some glasses and says, "Jeeez, you're such an asshole when you're drunk, Superman".

A teacher at a High School was having a little trouble getting her year 11 pupils to understand grammar, "These are what we call the pronouns", she said, "and the way we use them with verbs; I am, you are, he/she is..." she was saying, to glazed looks.
Trying a different tack she said, "Johnny, give me a sentence with the pronoun, "I" in it.
Johnny began, "I is..."
"No, no, no, no, no NO, NO!", shouted the teacher, "Never, 'I is', always, 'I am'... now try again".
Johnny looked puzzled and a little hurt, thought a while then began again more quietly,"I... am ...the ninth letter of the alphabet".

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

Two builders, Fred and Bill, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the 'suit'.
Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Bill: "No way! He's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the 'suit' is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and several jugs get the better of the builder...
Fred: "Scuse me...no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession"
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example....do you have a goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm...well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond."
Suit: "Well, then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden."
Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden."
Suit: "Well then It's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house."
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself."
Suit: "Well, given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married."
Fred: "Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife."
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often."
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are, that's logical science at work!"
Fred: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and about your sex life!"
Fred: "I see. That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"
They both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.
Bill: "I see the suit was in there, did you ask him what he did?
Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Bill: "Nope"

Fred: "Well then, you're a wanker........"

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in my usual calm detached manner, "I didn't know there were any witnesses... Now I'll have to kill you too."

Rita Rudner, American comedienne, shares some insights into the fair and unfair sex:

A Bear's Life

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

...Hands up all those who wanna be a bear...

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain AND bought jewellery.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the ground floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice... voluntarily.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.